10 days of hell for a lifetime of heaven - Prequel

Sometime in 2006
A close relative visiting us in Singapore made quite an impression because of her calm demeanor and the fact that at 50, she was traveling by herself on a vacation. Over dinner one day, the conversation meandered to what caused her unflappable countenance. She mentioned a course that we had never heard of and which, in our agnostic, hedonistic, DINK status, had no meaning for us. When I asked what it was all about, she offered what seemed to be a lame excuse at that time - "Jaanane aur maanane mein bahut faraq hota hai. I can tell you but you won't understand till you experience it", she said. Vipassana - the course she mentioned sounded like some religious or spiritual cult and we were hardly in the mood for anything so serious or deep!

June 2007
I quit Procter driven by what my dad used to call 'divine discontentment' (He used to say this with an equal measure of exasperation and indulgence). He would say that I'm never satisfied by what I have and am constantly seeking a higher purpose for my life. I remember one of his letter (yes, he belonged to an era where fathers wrote letters to their children and captured all their love and longings in those envelops) where he advised me to rest my oars and think of settling down with babies. Like most things in my life, I did not agree with him on this too and chose to go ahead with my decision to quit P&G. I was clear that my heart was not in selling 'hope in a jar'. I was clear that I wanted to be in education - helping children realize their true potential. In those months post quitting, I read widely about learning, child development, child psychology and almost anything that smelled of education. Providence led me to meet Subhash Chandra and I found myself joining Zee Learn and thereby moving back to India.

October 2007
I started my tenure at Zee Learn and the more time I spent learning about how children learnt and how children develop, the more I was sure that I had found my calling. One day, I learnt that Zee group has a policy that anyone who wanted to go for Vipassana can go on paid leave. The name rang a bell - it was the same course that the relative had mentioned almost a year ago. Out of academic interest I figured that it was quite widespread, it was a residential course and needed 10 days of time. This was reason enough for it to be crossed as a 'not for me' course.

Sometime in Aug-Sep 2009
I was in Delhi when I got a call from Sanjay Jain, Group CFO, Essel Group saying that his brother in law was doing something in parenting and wanted to meet me. I agreed and found myself meeting an eager Sushant Kalra. He had an interesting story. He had quit his job with Max New York Life to conduct parenting sessions in schools. This was based on his learnings from his experience of bringing up his own 2 kids. When I asked what led him to go out on a limb with this idea, he said he had done this course called Landmark and that made him understand his calling. 'Well, I know my calling', I said to myself and neatly tucked this information into a mental folder called 'Good for Smita, not for me'. 

December 2009
I lost my father. Nothing can even begin to describe the sense of loss I experienced - in fact for the first few months, I was numb. As I begin to come out of my trance and pick up the threads of life, I realized a lot was broken, a lot was in tatters. I had to sew it back to some semblance of normalcy so that I could at least function. Some days, it was even tough to get out of bed. 

August 2010
As Smita and I started to put the pieces of our life back, we discussed getting some outside help to deal with the loss. Landmark came up in our discussion and she went for it. Then I went for it. It changed my life. Then my brother, my mother, her father, her mother - slowly members of our extended family started going for it. It was my first brush with introspection and self discovery. And I had tasted blood. The more I delved deeper, the more I discovered how little I knew about myself. I started to see things that I was blind to. I started to empathize with others at a level that was not available to me earlier. I became a better son, a better brother, husband and father. And I knew that I was just beginning on this journey which led through humility in our accomplishment and certainty of our ignorance. I was keen to do and know more.

Late 2011
Anand, a friend from Hong Kong was visiting and in one of our late night conversations, Smita mentioned that he had transformed since his college days. He mentioned Vipassana among other things as an experience that had a profound impact on him. This was the third hit and this time I was ready. One of the insights I have now gained is that self-discovery cannot be foisted upon from the outside - you do it when you are ready. No one else can decide it for you. So when Anand said what he said, I said to myself, 'I'm going to do Vipassana some day'. I could not begin to imagine when I'll get to take 10 days from my life that was caught between Zee, Zoya and Anay but I placed it somewhere in my future.

May 2012
Smita's mother went for Vipassana. She came back and her neck pain was gone. We didn't talk much about what she got from Vipassana but I could sense that something fundamental had shifted for her. Then my mother went. And I think Vipassana finally gave her the power to deal with the loss of my father. She said that everyone she loves should do Vipassana sometime in their life because it really makes a difference. These instances further firmed my desire to go for it but it was still going to be one day, some day.

July 25 2012
I quit Zee Learn. I decided that before I start my next journey, I want to be sure what was worthy of me - what was the issue that I wanted to commit myself to? What was the problem that was worth solving? And is there something that I need to do or someone I need to be, in order to lead the next phase of my life powerfully? These questions were important for me and I decided to go for Vipassana to find some answers. Suddenly, something that was so far out there 6 years back was now in my immediate future! I got myself enrolled in the Vipassana meditation course from Aug 29 to Sep 9, 2012 at Global Vipassana Centre, Esselworld, Mumbai.

August 29 2012
I woke up with some butterflies in my stomach. This was going to be the first time, I would be away from the kids for that long. Then there was the whole thing about observing total silence throughout the course duration. Imagining myself being silent for 10 days was killing me. I was also anxious about what will come up and what will I have to deal with. What kept up the excitement was the belief that I would come back clearer about my future than I was going in with. With these thoughts, I went to Esselworld in a boat from Borivili jetty to start the 10 day Vipassana course.

September 9 2012
I stepped off the boat at Borivili jetty and felt that I was stepping back into a different world. This was again typical of us human beings who think they are the only constant in the ever changing world around them. In fact, it was I who had transformed or in the words of Anil Mehta, our teacher, I had set into yoghurt and nothing could now get me back to being milk. As we started driving back home, I noticed that I was very calm in the Mumbai traffic. I was overcome by this deep sense of goodwill and compassion towards everyone. I wanted to do good. However, I wanted to check if this would persist or I would relapse into being me after a few days of this 'high'.

September 26 2012
Exactly 4 weeks since I went for Vipassana, I can safely say that the effect is lasting. I don't know what the future holds but for now, I'm happy I went and I'm grateful for what I learnt. I don't get affected as much if people do something that I think is wrong or unfair. I don't get angry as much and when I do, I'm able to bounce back much faster. I don't wonder about why someone did something and what was his intention and why he should have not done it. I am able to focus on what I have to do. I have less self-doubt, more gumption to have a go. People around me - my wife and my brother - have mentioned how I spread calm around me. I have also become less preachy and more empathetic. 

So what happens in those 10 days to cause so much transformation? Is it brain washing? Is it some complicated meditation technique? Is it some religious cult that leads you to the path of renunciation?

In my next post, let me take you through my 10 days in hell that seem to promise me a lifetime of heaven.